A Patient’s Success Story
Here is the case of a former patient of Dr. Reavis, someone who lapsed back into sexual acting-out behavior several times before finding the right combination of self-discipline, or ‘grit,’ and insight into the psychological meaning of the sexual behavior. He was humble, and utterly committed not to hurt anyone else by his behavior. Read on to learn more about how this particular patient found success in treatment.
From a Patient Dealing with Strong Sexual Urges
Unfortunately, there is nothing singular – change one thing and you are healed. Instead, I found several issues to examine and continue to improve upon. I had a poor mind set, leaving acting out sexually as an option while not maintaining the determination and grit not to reoffend.
I never truly maintained a “sobriety” date, I minimized the strength of the urges, I engaged in planning and in ‘passive’ fantasy. I did not handle stresses or emotions well. I felt a loss of purpose in life, did not have any life goals, and allowed self-pity to live inside of me.
I have always had a hard time recognizing my own emotional state. In this instance, loss of purpose, not having life goals, and self-pity were evident. I had a stretch of 5 years during which my primary focus was work and raising my daughter. After my daughter got her driver’s license and neared graduation, I felt loss. I did not have any goals or ambitions to replace this loss. Feeling hopeless and stuck in a monotonous, disengaged work and personal life, I felt sorry for myself. Also, I was saddened about being stuck in these situations because of personal failures, and I grew more self-pity. With a sudden large allotment of free time, I choose to soothe, cope, or escape through acting out. I did not show the grit or determination to respond in a healthy manner.
I failed to recognize the strength of the cravings, and minimized the urges. Now I see my bodies’ physical reactions to the behavior. For example, recently showing the determination to not act out, I felt a physical response, almost like a magnet pulling me towards the “escape and release” of my urges. The realization of the true strength was frightening. Another example: I haven’t been to a strip club or considered going in many years. Last week I drove by a club and felt a physical reaction and desire to go to the club, and my mind/body reacted to a possible replacement.
I think there are two reasons I was able to minimize the strength of these urges. After I acted out, I did not feel good about myself. Usually, I would be down on myself, so the most immediate feelings would be revulsion and self-hatred. Yet, because of the strength of the urges I would be out again. Also, while I was not acting out, I engaged in risky behaviors. I would do things like look out my window in hopes of seeing into someone’s window. Or when walking down a street I would maintain eye contact with an adult women, to see if she smiled at me (and I could then start talking to her). I drove past areas where I knew that prostitutes worked. Similar activities that were not illegal but allowed me to feed my urges. I never blocked out planning, I had fantasies of future events, and I entertained fantasies of completely illogical situations.
Finally, I will touch on the issue of an underlying anger. I will mention that I despise violence, and get extremely bothered by people being hurt. I have been emotionally upset when I have seen bodies downtown when people have committed suicide. When my daughter’s cat got put down, I was bothered for a month. I cry often during movies and television shows. I show a sensitivity to others and their emotions and well-being. However, I can completely block out the pain and fear caused by my actions, and I have continually hurt people. I believe part of this is from the inability to recognize and deal with an underlying anger. I have anger with a mother’s light touch, and the instability and emotional damage from an alcoholic step-father during childhood. I hold resentment over an imagined fear of rejection from attractive women. I think I subconsciously blame my failures and problems because of women. Thus, blame and anger fuels my ability to discard empathy, which gives me permission to continue to hurt people with my actions.
Now I look to display the grit and determination not to reoffend. I am not going to hurt myself, pain my family and friends, and am not going to hurt any more people, I will not create additional victims. I choose to be committed to this group, my family, friends and myself to not engage in this behavior.