Did Your Spouse’s Infidelity Cause Betrayal Trauma?
If you are a spouse struggling with a partner’s infidelity, you may experience feelings that you can’t readily name. Most people in that situation feel anger, sadness, and disappointment, but other emotions may also arise. The collection of feelings you experience is sometimes referred to as betrayal trauma, defined as the severe emotional or mental distress caused when someone to whom we have significant attachment breaches our trust. Discovering that your spouse has a sex addiction adds another layer to the betrayal trauma associated with infidelity. Many spouses are relieved to learn that their experiences and feelings are normal, valid, and deserving of respect and acknowledgment.
Betrayal Trauma Has a Profound Impact on the Body
After discovering a spouse’s infidelity, you may feel the need to stay on guard and find yourself constantly mistrustful of others. Many people report feeling like something terrible is about to happen. You may worry about what your family and friends think, or you may fear that people will judge you for your partner’s behavior. Betrayed spouses often feel at fault for their partners’ actions or believe that if they had been better partners, they could have avoided the infidelity. Some betrayed spouses feel paralyzed by all they feel and cannot move forward with healing.
As distressing as these feelings are, betrayal trauma isn’t just emotional; it can significantly affect your physical health as well. Some people report reactions such as the inability to sleep, nausea, and self-harming behaviors not unlike those associated with post-traumatic stress disorder in soldiers and victims of child abuse. You may find yourself feeling depressed, having flashbacks to the moment you learned of the infidelity, or withdrawing from social interactions. People who usually live very healthy lives may fail to eat nutritious food, stop exercising, and pull away from other activities they once enjoyed when faced with a partner’s infidelity.
These physiological experiences occur in part because betrayal trauma may cause your cortisol levels, sometimes called stress hormones, to rise and your immune response to drop, leaving you more vulnerable to illness and prone to put on weight. When you live in a constant state of hypervigilance and worry, the hormonal response doesn’t shut off, even if the immediate threat is gone. Your body stays ready to combat the subsequent betrayal you fear is coming. Recovery is slow or nonexistent until you can find a way to interrupt those responses. Adverse changes in your health only add to your worries and stress levels.
Long-Term Impact of Betrayal Trauma
Even after the first shock of learning of infidelity, betrayal trauma alters every part of the relationship. The bonds of the relationship are changed to trauma or betrayal bonds, and they are unique to every relationship. You may have heard the term “codependency,” which is sometimes used to describe these bonds. Here are some examples:
- A betrayed spouse may try to portray infidelity as normal to friends and family, going as far as to defend the spouse’s behavior.
- The betrayed spouse may expect the situation to improve on its own without any intervention.
- Even if betrayed spouses leave the relationships, they often report a painful yearning for the connection as it was before the betrayal.
- The couple may stay together but engage in near-constant arguments and conflicts.
What Are the Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma inflicts severe and lasting damage to a treasured relationship. The feelings of trust and safety you once felt for your spouse may disappear after you learn about the betrayal, even if the affair was emotional rather than physical. You may feel deeply distrustful of others and feel very alone and isolated. It’s essential to know and recognize the signs and symptoms of betrayal trauma in yourself.
- Avoiding social interactions and isolating yourself from friends and family
- Being on “high alert” at all times for subsequent betrayal
- Feeling deeply depressed, and unworthy of love
- Experiencing emotions more acutely than usual, such as anger or frustration
- Struggling to sleep due to nightmares, night terrors, or insomnia
While these symptoms can be frightening and overwhelming, remember that healing is possible, and help is available. With proper therapy, you can overcome betrayal trauma and move on with your life and relationships.
What Can You Do About Your Partner’s Infidelity?
The options available to you are somewhat dependent on what your spouse is willing to do. If infidelity happens more than once, your partner may be caught in the trap of sex addiction. You may both feel hopeless, like there is no way to break this cycle or make meaningful changes. However, things can be different if you know how to get the help you need.
You may wonder what you can do if your spouse refuses to go to counseling or seek treatment for sex addiction. Even if you have to go alone, it’s critical to start working toward your recovery, to preserve your own mental and physical health. A professional can help you find a healthy way through all you are experiencing. Over time, you will reach more clarity in regard to the ways in which you want to approach your relationship with your spouse.
At Intrapsychic, James A. Reavis, Psy.D. in California, and his team provide treatment and evaluation services to men caught up in sex addiction and other problem sexual behaviors. Dr. Reavis specializes in working with this population, developing a specific treatment plan for clients to help them accept accountability for the behavior and the thinking patterns that led to it. The goal for each client is to recognize the cognitive and behavioral signs of problem behaviors, so as to avoid them in the future. Clients are treated with respect as adults who can make their own decisions and improve their own lives. If you’re struggling to understand a spouse’s infidelity and looking for help in the San Diego area or via telemedicine across California, contact Intrapsychic today. We’re here to help you find hope again.
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